Houses Never “Need Cosmetic Updates”
Today is going to be a long day. As I sit here writing this blog post, it’s 4:55 am and I just finished doing a little research on the house that I’ll be inspecting at 9:00 am. The online listing for this property says it has lots of square footage and needs some cosmetic updates.
I haven’t been to the house yet but already disagree with that description. Cosmetic updates are never needed. I googled ‘cosmetic’, and here’s what I came up with. The first two definitions of this word apply to people, and the third applies to objects. I bolded it.
- Involving or relating to treatment intended to restore or improve a person’s appearance
- – cosmetic surgery
- Designed or serving to improve the appearance of the body, esp. the face
- – lens designs can improve the cosmetic effect of your glasses
- Affecting only the appearance of something rather than its substance
- – the reform package was merely a cosmetic exercise
When a property description says it needs cosmetic updates, look out. The house is probably going to need a lot of serious work. Here are a few other ‘real estate terms’ to be wary of:
- Needs TLC
- Needs routine maintenance
- Handyman’s dream
I plan to finish writing this blog post after I inspect the house. I’m sure I’ll have some good photos of some “cosmetic” updates that are needed
There were no big surprises during my inspection; it was about what I expected from the online description. Here are a few things I found during my inspection of this bank-owned property:
The house was soaked in cat urine, and smelled even worse. According to the neighbor who came by to chat during the inspection, the previous owner never let the cat out and didn’t have a litter box. The first thing I did upon arrival was to open up every window in the house while breathing through my mouth, lest my nose hairs get burned off. This only made the yard smell horrible. The carpets will all need to be replaced, and possibly the subfloors as well. This isn’t a cosmetic update issue, it’s a health issue.
The shingles were severely deteriorated and in need of replacement. There was also a golf-ball sized hole in the roof, most likely from a tree that fell during the recent storms. This ain’t cosmetic.
The water pipes had freeze damage. The buyer hired a plumber to de-winterize the house before my inspection, but the plumber had to just cap off several lines that weren’t winterized properly and had burst. Cosmetic freeze damage?
The radiator pipes had freeze damage, and the boiler was a dinosaur. The plumber said the heating system would need major repair. I agree, and I’m sure the boiler needs replacement as well. Notice the discoloration highlighted on the boiler below, right. This is a problem. More on this topic another day. Even if you know nothing about boilers, you can probably guess that these issues aren’t costmetic.
The electric panel was a Federal Pacific Stab-Lok panel; I recommend replacement of every one of these panels because they present a fire hazard. There is no such thing as a cosmetic fire hazard.
Again, these were just a few of the things that I found during my inspection. This house was clearly in need of major repair just to be made habitable. None of these issues were cosmetic. I knew this house was going to be in very rough shape because I’ve learned to interpret those euphemistic real estate descriptions that I see so often (and to call them euphemistic is a euphemism).
- Needs TLC = Needs major renovation
- Needs routine maintenance = Nothing about the maintenance needed is routine
- Handyman’s dream = Handyman’s nightmare
- Needs cosmetic updates = cosmetic updates are the last thing you should think about.
What do you think? Are these terms all innocent real estate euphemisms, or something worse than that? I think that calling a house a ‘fixer-upper’ is an acceptable way of stretching the truth, but some of these other terms might be pushing it a little too far.